Woodworking Jokes

2 morons went into the house framing business. the first day on the job, one moron heard the other throwing down every second, third or fourth nail onto the ground. "Why are you throwing away those nails?" asked he. Said the other, "the head is on the wrong end of the nail!" "You idiot!" said the first moron, "Those are for the other side of the house!"

Q: When is saw dust not saw dust? A: Well, you start cutting through the wood and you make saw dust. When you cut through the knot, you make knot saw dust. (This one of course is funnier when spoken)

Jesus was on his rounds through heaven one day and as he happened by the Pearly Gates he noticed that St. Peter was looking more than a bit frazzled. He suggested that Pete take a few days off, to which the former replied that there would be no one there to admit the new souls as they arrived. After much cajoling St. Peter was convinced that perhaps Jesus could handle his work for him for awhile. He took off and Jesus sat down to work. After passing several hundred new souls through he looked up to find an elderly, happy looking gentleman standing before him. Beginning his routine, he asked "name?". "Joseph" came the reply. "Occupation on earth?" . "I worked as a carpenter". "Any children?". At this point the gentleman began to tell a story. "I had one son. In fact, my son was very famous on earth. His story has been told down through the ages and still brings joy and happiness to the hearts of millions". About this time Jesus looks up in amazement and says "father?" To which the old man excitedly replies "Pinocchio?".


Twas the night before Christmas and all through the shop, Not a worker was stirring, all projects were stopped.

The chisels were left by the whetstone with care, In hopes that the elves would come sharpen them there.

The tools were all nestled and snug where they lay, While visions of woodshavings danced on each blade.

Then up in the woodloft there came such a clatter, The whole building shook from the weight of the matter.

And there on the creaky tin roof did appear, A fine handmade sleigh drawn by ten dusty deer.

With a sparkly-eyed craftsman as spry as a buck, Who went by the nickname of "Old Saint Woodchuck."

He was dressed all in suede from his cap to his shoe, And his clothes were all covered with sawdust and glue.

A bundle of tools he had tucked in his sack, With a Japanese saw sticking out of the back.

On his face he wore goggles and a dust-mask fit tightly, His cheeks were like rosewood; his hearing shot slightly.

His skills were the sharpest and best in the land, And he still had five fingers on each of his hands.

Then quick as a chainsaw his staunch helpers came, And he hooted and hollered and hailed them by name:

"Now Router, now Ruler, now Hammer and Bitbrace; On Shaper, on Scrollsaw, on Jackplane and Compass."

All ran to the workbench and leapt to his call: "Now get to work, get to work, get to work all!"

So they dulled not an edge, but cut straight to their task, And sawed, planed, pounded and scraped till, at last,

All the toys that the children were waiting to get, Were finished and wrapped (though the paint was still wet).

There were jacks made from walnut and dolls made of yew, And an ash rocking horse with its tail painted blue,

A set of birch soldiers all carved from one log, And even a hand-turned oak ball for the dog.

Then the kindly crew tidied and swept every crack, And Saint Woodchuck thanked them while stretch his back.

Then he jumped in his stout sleigh and let out a yell, And they roared from that shop at the tone of the bell.

But these words he exclaimed, as they vanished from sight: "Merry Christmas to all -- that's enough for one night!"

Henry from Kingston

Did you hear about the Neanderthal sniffing coke?
He got an ice cube stuck in his nose.

Normite license plate frame:
"My other Table Saw is a Craftsman"

Why don't the Neanderthals have a Christmas play?
They can't find three wise men.

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